Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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