please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
