is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
