I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
