.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
