I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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