I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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