My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
