Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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