I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
