drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
