i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
