I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
