So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
