That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i barfeds in our rink
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My penis needs a shock collar
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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