I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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