god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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