im drinking this country out of the recession.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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