Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
