so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
