dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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