Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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