I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
