Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
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Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
NoShamevember. You game?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
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Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I woke up under a house in Key West
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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