So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Will exercising make me less horny?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
