Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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