i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
