Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
