Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
