Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
