Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
