how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
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He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
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WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
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