and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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