Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
stop calling my apartment porn island.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
