I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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