you have to choose: penises or morals?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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