Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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