If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
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