Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
