You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
