Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
