Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
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You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
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Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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