Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
