Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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