The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
