from now on my penis is your penis
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
