I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
