I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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