I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
