I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
