and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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