Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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