i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
