Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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