My nipple is on Facebook.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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