remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize