I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
