come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
