You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
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He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
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It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..