Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours