I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.